Figuring Out What to Say

A lot of people ask me if my job as a social worker and therapist is hard. They assume I am depressed by the end of the day or am slowly developing a jaded outlook on humanity. They also try and convince me that people never change or want me to tell them stories that prove how degenerate my clients really are.

But in reality, that is not the hardest part. Sure, there are times I come home overwhelmed. When that happens, I vent to my husband, look for empathy in my teammates, or have a totally mindless night (complete with TV and ice cream). Of course I have stories that shock and I've met people I have little hope for. But those things haven't yet phased me.

What gets hard, though, is being a therapist, having aspirations of being a really good one, and wondering if I'll ever be good at my job. In other words, I worry I really suck. As you can guess from the title of this post, I often have a hard time figuring out what to say. For instance, I was talking on the phone this evening to a dad whose son just tested positive for THC. The son is on intensive supervised probation and has some serious consequences (ie Department of Youth Corrections, ie 1-2 years) that become very likely when mess-ups like these happen. Since my job is to help the youth stay in the home by improving family dynamics, I wanted to approach dad with the perspective of 'your son obviously has an addiction, he can't do this on his own, the situation is dire, he needs you...teenagers try to get away with as much as possible...you might be in a position to monitor him a little more closer and prevent another relapse'

But, of course, the conversation didn't go that way. Dad says, "Good, I hope he goes to jail. When he was in jail last time, I slept much easier. I've been so on edge lately, maybe this will help. Everyone should experience jail. He's almost a man. There's nothing I can do."

Well shoot! I got all tongue tied, as I do whenever I have to rebound after my approach is denied. I also get stuck in my client's problems, which, as my supervisor pointed out, is a terrible place for a therapist. I fumbled through the rest of the conversation, tried to not free dad from responsibility like he was wanting. But this dad had already sad it, ranted on about it, and I wasn't confident that I could change his mind. Maybe I am just too sympathetic. "Yeah", I think to myself, "with a kid that has put you through as much stress as you've been through, you actually might sleep better at night if he was in jail. Maybe jail is really what he needs'

A good therapist is on her feet. She can pull out powerful questions at the right time. In hindsight, those powerful questions might have been something like, "How do you think that makes your son feel to hear you say that you want him to go to jail?" or "You're right, your son is practically a man and yet it sounds like you agree that he isn't making very mature decisions. How can you show him how to be a man? He obviously isn't able to do it on his own quite yet" or...actually...I don't know. I still feel tongue tied. Because at the same time, maybe this dad is past helping his son. If so, I can't expect to change that and feel presumptuous making the assumption that this dad should want to be more involved in his son's life.

And I think that's part of the issue--it is hard for me, in the moment, to 1.) trust my instincts 2.) feel confident enough to assert my professional opinion 3.) assess what the clients are actually bringing to the table 4.) know when it is ok to change directions or keep the conversation focused, no matter how badly the client is trying to steer it in a different direction. Yikes.

I need to learn distance, how to not get so wrapped up in what they are telling me. Keep my mind clear and keep a series of questions that will keep things moving forward. It is a balance between respecting their ideas while helping them grow. Ahhh...that is the hard part. Hopefully this will get easier. If it doesn't, the pressure to figure out what to say will wear me down. I don't want it to and they say that it takes practice and experience yet I can't help but wonder...'What if I'm just not cut out for this?' So, please, bear with me as I get past my insecurities and determine the extent of my abilities. The drive is there, no doubt! Hopefully it just takes a while and isn't something that will always be frustrating.